Podcast Episode
Limerence: Have You Ever Been Obsessively in Love?
A Psychoanalytic take with Nicole Matusow
From The Intense Mind with Imi Lo
Imi Lo and Nicole Matusow take a deep dive into the fascinating world of limerence – that overwhelming, obsessive state of romantic infatuation that can completely take over our lives. With her extensive background in psychoanalysis, Nicole will help us understand the unconscious mechanisms driving this intense experience, from the early attachment patterns that set the stage to the role of fantasy and emotional regulation.
They explore why some of us are more prone to limerence than others, how early experiences shape our romantic patterns, and most importantly – what we can do about it.
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Key takeaways:
- The roots of limerence often trace back to early relational experiences, particularly those involving inconsistent caregiving.
- Limerents learn to navigate the uncertainty of love by internalizing a mix of hope and longing. As they grow, this coping mechanism often resurfaces in romantic relationships, particularly with partners who seem distant or unavailable. This pattern can lead to an almost addictive yearning for connection.
- A central element of limerence is fantasy. These imagined scenarios of fulfillment and intimacy are not mere daydreams but serve as psychological tools for coping with unmet emotional needs. Nicole describes this as a “psychic retreat”—a mental refuge where the limerent person constructs a world where their desires are reciprocated. This retreat, while comforting, often perpetuates the cycle of longing and emotional dependency.
- Limerence reflects a complex relationship with desire. The individuals or circumstances that spark this intense longing often embody physical or emotional unavailability, mirroring early experiences of inconsistent caregiving. Nicole refers to the object of limerence as “the test”—a symbolic challenge to prove one’s desirability or worthiness of love. Unfortunately, the breadcrumbs of affection received in return rarely satisfy deeper emotional needs. They act as a pacifier rather than providing real emotional nourishment.
- Shame and self-criticism almost always accompany limerence. Those caught in its grip may belittle themselves for their feelings, labeling their emotions as foolish or irrational. Nicole identifies this as a form of self-rejection, where the vulnerable parts of oneself are dismissed rather than embraced with compassion. This inner conflict further entrenches the pain of limerence.
- Healing from limerence begins with understanding its origins. Psychoanalytic and psychodynamic therapy, Nicole emphasizes, is particularly effective in addressing the underlying patterns of attachment that fuel limerence. By providing consistent, emotionally attuned care, this therapeutic approach helps reframe old narratives and foster healthier relational dynamics.
- By replacing fantasy with authentic connections and criticism with self-compassion, limerence becomes less a source of suffering.
